Before I begin, I must give an honorable mention to a song that I did not include in my top 5 best Christmas songs.
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”
The reason why I didn’t include it was because I originally saw this as more of a villain type of song than actually a Christmas song. However, after thinking more about it, I can see why. How The Grinch Stole Christmas is a great book and the animated special had some wonderful music in it, so it only made sense that I included this song in the running. I just made an oversight, and for that, I apologize, I just didn’t see it as a TOTAL Christmas song. Keep in mind though, THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S A BAD SONG. I love it, it’s one of my favorites that I grew up listening to, and I always enjoy it time and time again.
Now let’s dive into the polar opposite……..
These are the Christmas songs that suffer through a lot of faults to the point where I either can’t get into them or, to put it nicely, I DESPISE THEIR EXISTENCE!!!
So……. let’s just get this over with. As much as it pains me to have to listen to these songs, I give you my top 5 worst Christmas songs I have ever heard.
5. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Ok, this may be a little bit of an odd choice, but in my defense, I don’t really HATE this song. But even with that said, it’s probably my least favorite in terms of the actual songs that tend to be labeled “classic carols”. When listening to this song again, I found it to be kind of dull. I don’t think the lyrics have any real substance to them, except for some…… mixed messages. How comfortable are you knowing that Santa “sees you when you’re sleeping” and “knows when you’re awake”? If any stranger that I knew acted like this towards children, they’d be serving 15 to life. Oh well, I know that people like this song, and I can see why, I’m just not a fan.
4. The Chipmunks Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)
Why????? Just why?????
Even as a kid, I did not like this song. As an adult, it’s even worse. I understand now why my parents didn’t like to talk about this song or try to ignore it when it plays on the radio. Have you ever had that friend that can’t take a hint and is an ultimate buzzkill and you’re only friends with them out of pity? That’s sort of like this song. It’s irritating, obnoxious, grading to the ears, and a waste of pen and paper. Mostly because the genius who thought of multi-tracking extremely high pitched voices won’t shut up!!! I guess if it were regular song sung by natural voiced males or females, it would be marginally better, but if you have to use that defense, you failed. I’m not even going to specify in what, you just fail.
3. Funky, Funky, Christmas- New Kids On The Block
This is a first for me.
Whenever I’ve listened to Christmas songs, I tend to bite the bullet and just listen the whole way through whether they’re good or not.
Then this song came and I couldn’t even get through half of it. You can say that it’s not credible of me to put it on the list, but here’s my point: THE SONG IS 5 MINUTES AND SEVEN SECONDS!!!!
I am not a fan of New Kids on The Block to begin with, but this song is trash and the worst song from them I have ever heard. The “writers” try to put a Beastie Boys mixed parody spin on a hip-hop Christmas song but it fails miserably because if you’re going to write a parody, it’s supposed to be funny. This isn’t. Funny is a word that dies with this song, and everyone involved should be ashamed.
2. Last Christmas
Which version? ANY of them.
From the way that I trashed the last……. thing…… you would think that this song would be ranked near the beginning of this list, but I cannot give this song that luxury in any way at all. This song suffers from so many problems, but it all comes down to the writing.
What’s the story? You have a person singing about how he/she had their heart broken after confessing their love to someone on Christmas and they proclaim that the next year they’re going to give it to someone special. Ok, that would be fine if that was it ,but it’s not. You have a first verse that has the narrator being flirtatious with the person they’re singing to (I thought this was the person that broke your heart???) and then you have another verse with them being spiteful towards that person. THIS SONG IS A FOUR MINUTE CASE OF BIPOLAR DISORDER!!! Songwriters, it’s ok to write a serious and heartfelt love song, but don’t make your narrator a nutjob!! It’s ok to be head over heels about someone, but with the literal tone that this song has, I feel like someone’s going to be dead by the time this song is done. It’s cruel, a cock-tease, and really mean-spirited. If you like this song, that’s fine, I’m not going to judge and I can sort of understand, but….. to me, this song is just not good. I guess I can say that the production on every version I’ve heard is fine, and the singing has never been bad in any means (I’m not going to name drop on a particular version that says the opposite), but if a song has bad writing, it’s not a good song. That’s pretty much as nice as I can be about it.
1. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Before I begin riffing on this garbage, there’s one funny version of this song I heard that had a hardcore punk feel to it….
But I can’t find it. Let’s get this over with a list of problems this has…..
1. This is a Christmas song about death, not just a death in Christmas, but a death in the narrator’s family on Christmas! Did you think that Grandma was ok? No, she’s dead!!!! And this is a problem because…
2. This song is supposed to be a playful little comedic tune, there’s no mellowness in any of this. The fact that this is supposed to be comedic is baffling to me, it gets everything wrong. Which brings us to…
3. Speaking of everything being wrong, listen to this song and tell me how many times it takes for that chorus to be annoying. I’ll wait.
Oh you’re back! Do you know what the answer is? Great! Let’s say it together. ONCE. ONCE. ONCE.
I’m talking about the singing, the musical arrangement, nearly everything about it has this tendency to want to keep annoying you. ANYTHING FUNNY IS NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!! Why this song had the notoriety and success that it did, I don’t know.
Until next time, I’m going to give myself an eggnog hangover because I can’t stop thinking about that drek.